3.26.2013

A Wretched Life

My life is not wretched. I keep reminding myself of that. Though I have had some moments when I really felt it.

March kicked off with the greatest scene ever. A little tiny heartbeat fluttering on the screen. And then March came to a crashing halt last week when that screen showed nothing. Nothing but what wasn't to be.

My life is wretched. I've never been foolish enough to think that life is fair, but I was foolish enough to think that I'd paid enough dues recently. And that I was off the hook for awhile.

But I look at Jason, and we talk about all the hopefulness of a bright future. Of really great things that are happening for him and for us, and my life is not wretched.

And in quiet moments, when the anxiousness and impatience that come from that strong, deep burn, and from that unshakable longing to be a mother, I feel both. My life is wretched. And yet it is not. That day will come. I know it. There is not one single doubt. For that, I am grateful.

Optimism woven with sadness. Yes, an unusual marriage, but not an uncommon one.

Because when you add it all up, no, my life is not wretched. My life is joy.

34 comments:

  1. Aw I am so sorry Rebecca. Your day will come--I promise! Keep communicating, don't let this misfortune kill you inside, though I KNOW that it is very hard. Talk to your husband and to others. And keep positive. I'm so sorry, hun.

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  2. Oh, I'm so sorry, Rebecca! I don't know what to say, but you're right - your life is not wretched. Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's hard to see..

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  3. My thoughts are with you during this tough time! Keep your head up! Things will get better!

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  4. I am so sorry! Your time will come again soon! Always have faith! <3

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  5. Oh, Rebecca. I'm so so so sorry.

    I haven't gone through what you are going through, but both my mother and my grandmother have. I don't expect that to ease this pain any less, but I hope to reinforce your optimism by telling you that my mother went on to have two children and my grandmother had four.

    I pray that you will have joy and peace and comfort.

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  6. oh rebecca, i'm so sorry. that's my worst fear. to try for so long to get pregnant, and then to lose the baby when i actually do get pregnant. go to town on those dark chocolate cadbury eggs.

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  7. I'm so sorry. I know how hard this can be. I'll be praying for you.

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  8. So sorry for your loss. I'll be sending you peaceful thoughts. It's totally okay (and normal!) to be sad, yet happy and hopeful all at once.

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  9. Oh no, I'm so sorry Rebecca. I had two of those heartbeat-less screens in the past year and I know how soul-crushing that can be. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear this Rebecca! I will keep you in my prayers.

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  11. I'm so sorry Rebecca. I can't say I know exactly how you are feeling, but we did lose our baby in Feb although it was pretty early on. It was heartbreaking to say the least, but it's true when they say time heals.. not completely, but it helps. Thinking of you.

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  12. I am so sorry for your loss, but very, very hopeful for your future. The forever-baby is waiting for the right time. Your life IS joy. And one day, there will be even more of it to share.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Be hopeful!

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  14. There are no words. I am thinking of you and saying prayers for healing.

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  15. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what you are going through but I can only empathize. I've wanted a baby for the past two years, but unfortunately have not been in the situation to have one yet. One day I hope to though, I know it will be the best day ever!

    I hope your heart heals. The best is yet to come friend! (:

    Found you from the GFC blog hop.

    Alyssa
    http://www.alyssadawsonblog.com/

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  16. I am so so sorry girl. Travis and I are thinking of you both ... Just know you are wonderful!

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  17. All I can say is I love you so much! You inspire me every day to be stronger and stronger because I, along with God, know that you are the strongest person ever and can handle whatever life throws. You always have and you always will. I love you and I am so privileged and grateful to have you as a sister.

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  18. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you must feel but you have an amazingly positive attinspirited spirit despite what must feel like it's killing you inside. I completely agree it will happen for you, and when it does, it will be perfect. :-)

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  19. you are unbelievably strong.

    thank you for the inspiration.

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  20. I think it's more common than anyone really lets on. That doesn't make it any easier though! So glad you spoke about your loss. I know it will help someone else somewhere...

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  21. "Optimism woven with sadness" what a perfect way to describe life sometimes. I'm so grateful you can share the happy & the sad so that you are not alone in this....it's a very important skill-- to be able to share when we're down as well as up. I am praying for you.

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  22. I'm so sorry, Rebecca. Your faith is inspiring, and I'm personally uplifted by your knowledge that your day will come.

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  23. I'm so sorry for your loss. It certainly is a very painful one. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  24. sending love and prayers your way <3

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  25. Sending hugs and prayers! Your time will come. =)

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  26. Our house has been in a funk ever since we heard. We are absolutely heart broken over here. The question "why?" has been thrown around a lot over the last week, andihaveto admit I hate everything about this. We love you guys! As always you are in our prayers, and the prayer of three little guys who love you to pieces.

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  27. Although no words are sufficient, I'm so so so sorry for your loss :(

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  28. I am sorry for your loss - thank you for sharing with us. You will be in my prayers and I know that these words are no different but I really wanted to say that I was touched by your post and I truly wish you the best.

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  29. oh rebecca... my heart aches reading this! i know we don't know each other in real life, but i've been thinking about you guys ever since i read this post last night. sending virtual hugs and chocolate.

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  30. Oh, Rebecca, I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers!

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  31. **tears** I dont know what your going through exactly yet I do!! I wish you lived nearby so I can give ya some chocolates and junk food!! XOXOXO

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