12.04.2012

Never Alone

I hope you'll excuse today's departure from the normal silliness that is found here.

I was compiling a list of my favorite posts the other day. I went through each year. I got to 2009 and realized it was full of depressing, vague, weird posts. So I've decided to rectify that. It's time to tell the story. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed any more. So here goes..


Two months after we got married, he told me he was done. I didn’t see it coming but I should have. I was miserable. He had made a commitment to a faith he couldn’t live, and he began to pull away from me physically and emotionally. Neither one of us were happy during a time that should have been wedded bliss.
The heartbreak and anguish I felt in the following months is impossible to explain. I went to work, I showered, I ate, I went to church, and I cried in between it all. Inside I was empty and yet heavy all at once. I’d moved back in with my parents and I would lie in bed at night listening to cars drive by imagining that it was him, that he'd changed his mind, and that he was coming back to me and the life we had imagined. But then the legal work was finalized and it was over.
A failed marriage. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.  

I headed back to BYU for my senior year of college and moved in with some of the best friends a girl could ask for.  They were there when I needed to cry and when I needed to laugh. I poured myself into my schoolwork. I stayed busy with my girlfriends. I focused on feeling strong and sure of myself. Slowly, over time, I started to date again. No one ever made it past three dates. They were all gentlemen, but I never felt comfortable enough with them that I could share what had happened in my past.

And then I met Jason. Our roommates did some snooping and shared the information with us. “He was engaged,” my roommate Lindsay told me one night. “She was married,” his roommate Lance filled him in. So on our third date, we told each other everything. We had the most open and honest conversation and not once did I feel nervous of what he might think of me.
Right from the start, our relationship was founded on trust and real communication. And I started to learn how easy a strong and healthy relationship could be.

In those months of sorrow, there were moments where I thought I’d never stop hurting, and moments where I felt so very alone, and moments where I felt I’d been robbed of the most important thing in my life. But there were other moments as well. Moments where I felt that weight physically lifted from my chest, moments where I felt bright and shining hope, and moments where I felt that promise of happiness.

It didn’t take too long to see that promise fulfulled. I met the most humble, kind-hearted, respectful man who loved the Lord and I married him. I can honestly say that we've enjoyed two and a half years of bliss.

The most trying time in my life was also the most wonderful lesson that in your darkest moments, you are never alone.


“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.” 2 Nephi 31:20

23 comments:

  1. Rebecca...I love you. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I have to say, I really like Jason. I don't know him well, but from our brief time in California, my assessment is that he fits you. Aunt Mindy

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  2. Thank you for sharing Rebecca! I've always been curious but, obvs, was not going to ask. So glad you found Jason :)

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  3. Wow. I would have never guessed in a million years.

    I have ALWAYS seen you as a strong woman. Always. Your honesty is inspiring.

    thanks for sharing.

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  4. I just found your blog from clothed much and I totally relate. I was married for 2 1/2 years before I got divorced from my ex husband while pregnant with our first child. I've now been happily married for 5 years and have 4 children and life is so good!

    Thanks for sharing. It's nice to be able to support each other with our experiences.

    Rachael

    www.myolsonfamily.blogspot.com

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  5. I've had this post open for a while, wanting to say something but not sure what to say. So I'll leave you with this - this is a beautiful, inspiring post, and I felt the Spirit while reading it. So happy that things worked out for you.

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  6. Love you Becca! It was so good to see you come through all of this. Your story can impact and lift others, I always knew that, so I'm glad you are beginning to share it.

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  7. This is an amazing story. Described the atonement perfectly.

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  8. Wow! I am glad you found my blog so I could find yours! My sister-in-law had a similar experience (my brother to her would be like your Jason :)). Thanks for sharing.

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  9. You and Jason make the perfect couple. I'm so glad you're so happy!

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  10. You are so strong. To yank open your chest and bare your heart like this is a big darn deal. And to have trust in the plan for your life and the man you married after such devastation is the mark of the faithful. Thank you for sharing such a big part of your life story.

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  11. I love you! You are simply amazing Rebecca!!

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  12. Sometimes I feel like I was there with you, and sometimes I wasn't. I remember the sorrow, but not the pain as you were so strong and determined not to let it destroy you. That is just when we left you and Caitlin alone and relied on you to carry on our home without us. I don't think I really realized how hard that must have been for you. Just when you needed your parents, we had to go.
    And then you met Jason and love changed everything. I am so happy for you both.
    Love Dad

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  13. i always love your writing but this post is especially amazing! as much as i love the usual silliness, i'm so glad you shared this today. also, i've always thought you looked extra incredibly happy in your wedding pics. your love shines through and i'm so glad you found each other!

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  14. You expressed yourself beautifully. I am so glad that the pain is in the past and that you have someone to share your new fun-house hallway with! Must go... your archives beckon...

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  15. I love your vulnerability in this post!! i came across such dark times in my marriage and this post has given me the courage to write about it finally. you are a strong person and i can't wait to meet if i ever do! xoxo p/s: congrats on finding true love again too!

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  16. Thank you for opening up and being willing to share such an intimate part of your life. I bet it's hard to think back and reflect on it but it was very touching and inspiring. I'm so happy for you that you pulled out of such a dark relationship and were able to overcome it. Whenever you feel like sharing more of your story, I'm sure we would all love to hear. But only if you're ready :)

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  17. Found and followed your blog through the Bloglovin link-up and hopped over to the "New here?" section. This is such a powerful and honest post, and it shows so much grace! Can't wait to read more of your stuff, girlfriend.

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  18. Stopping by from the bloghop and I've really enjoyed checking out your blog! I really admire your honesty and look forward to following along! luckytwenty-eight.blogspot.com

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  19. First post I've read on your blog since I hopped over here after you left me a sweet comment on my Cambodia recap. Your transparency and honesty is inspiring. Can't wait to do more exploring around your blog! xo, Whitney

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  20. Hey. I'm new here :) I am so glad you found your bliss. Beautiful.

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  21. Love this. Such a beautiful, honest story. I'm new to exploring your blog, and I love it. Also, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only Mormon girl who loves Dr. Pepper and not Diet Coke :)

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