let the cat out of the suffocating bag

yeah its old but... 
Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learnt from you

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone

I can watch a sunset on my own
(kate nash)

in his defense, it's not that he didn't want to be with me, it's that he couldn't be with me living the life he saw himself leading, knowing the life i was committed to. either way, i need to remind myself i CAN be alone. especially right now. i need that reminder alot.  cause i don't want to be alone. one of the clients we are working with in one of my advertising classes is a wedding photographer. so we spend alot of time talking to and about girls who are about to get married, their plans, married girls in the class share their experiences, the photographer talks about weddings. weddings weddings weddings marriage love love marriage. my head may just explode.
i don't find myself yearning for what was but what is to come. but i'm impatient, and i want it now. and i can't have it now. however, i am excited about planning again. i'm just missing one piece of the puzzle. and i feel as though i'll have to be even more patient to find a guy good enough to accept me in spite of this little situation of mine.

also, my dad hasn't been feeling well at all lately. it could be any number of things- his body rejecting his new heart, the medicines he's on, the amyloidosis... anyway, its scary, i don't like being away from my family at times like these. i worry for my dad. i worry for my mom. i worry for my sister. 

all in all, i haven't cried in awhile. i feel it coming. it'll be good for me though when it does happen. i need some good catharsis. 

note: this was written last night
note2: last night i thought it smelled like christmas outside, really it just smelled like smoke. claire said it smelled like drugs
note3: i LOVE not wearing make up, cause then i can rub my eyes all i want
note4: mom, i'm fine. no need to worry


  1. I can't say that I understand, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's totally rotten.

  2. I hate to comment on "note3" despite the many personal thoughts and worries that you included in the post, but I have to say that you hit the nail on the head! That is my absolute favorite thing about not wearing make-up! When I got back from my semester in the DR, I was so tan that I didn't wear make-up for a couple of months and it was a big adjustment to remember that I couldn't rub my eyes once I started wearing make-up again (when I got pale).

  3. About the other things: You have got to know that it will all be fine - you're amazing!

    Also, no heart rejection is great news (I read about it on your parents' blog). I'm sure the docs will figure it out.

    How long before your next trip home? Sometimes it's so nice to go home and feel like you hit the "reset" button.

  4. All that talk about weddings, weddings, weddings. You and I both know there's a real difference between weddings and marriage...hold out for the "real thing" darlin'.