claire has said two really funny things recently i would write right here if they both didn't have to do with a lack of clothing

the last time i dressed up for halloween or even a halloween party was when i was in middle school. middle school.  people, it's been like 10 years. ok almost 10 years. ok 8 years. since 8th grade, i have always had a big assignment due the very next day or am uninterested in the parties or busy or whatnot. but i've decided it's time to make some changes in my life, so this year i will be wearing not one, but two costumes. one for tomorrow (i was reprimanded by my supervisor slash lindsay when i told her i would not be dressing up for the work party tomorrow) and one for halloween. and guess what guys, i'm excited!!!


we sit in complete silence and feel closer than ever before

three word thoughts:
people have issues
this is confusing
miss my family
school is hard
he is nice
church is goods
advertising is joy
roommates are bests
i am happy

(daily dose of imagery)


liberry wid lindsayloo

last night i went to the library with lindsay.  it was the first time i did homework at night in the library in over two years.  it was good-ish.. i think i was productive. sorta. maybe i'll try it again sometime. but the section we were in down on the second floor was playing music. and it wasn't the kind of music they play in that special room in the testing center, where its gentle and soft classical music.  this was like "classical music goes to the circus and the clowns gave the volume laughing gas." this may or may not be an exaggerated metaphor.

oh and these books are the new penguin hardcover classics. and i want the whole collection. not only because the covers are fabulously creamy, but also because i love classic literature. particularly "a tale of two cities." favorite book ever. read it. really. do it. do it. tomorrow. or today. you little over achiever you.


a friend

reason's i love nikki's blog, have joy: she is honest, she is funny, she has been through some hard things that i can kinda sorta relate to, she is giving away something absolutely delicious looking and i could really use some chocolate right about now, oh and she's funny. chchcheck her out!


so breathe out, take it in and for now...

dear october 25th,
a year ago, you were the happiest day of my life,
today i'm left feeling confused, hurt, and a little out of sorts.
i tell myself to get a grip,
i'm supposed to be strong, be resilient,
but today... today thats hard.
you were supposed to be the one date
for the rest of my life
to celebrate
to smile as i remembered.
but now,
you are a reminder
of the loss,
of the pain,
but tomorrow will be the 26th,
and i will be strong,
and take another step forward.
away from you,
away from him,
and towards something bigger,
something better.
but today... today. today.


identity crisis much?

i forgot to mention one line my mom used to say to me that if i have daughters i will most definitely use-
"it hurts to be beautiful"
i was mainly told this in the mornings when my hair was being curled, brushed, braided, blow-dried, and probably anytime my mom was touching my hair. man, i'm such a whiner.  well... my hair is doing the whining these days.

my hair said to me today, "who am i." i didn't have a response.  my hair has been in an identity crisis since it was 15 years of age. that's a looooong crisis. poor baby. so i've made a decision (as i've done many times before) but i feel the need to document this one so i will actually stick to it.  i want to give a gift to my hair. i want to give it its identity back. no more bleach, no more dye. however, to accomplish this gianormous task of growing out my natural color completely means the hair will lose one of its identities... its length. but seriously... the fastest way to get the color out is to cut it out!! ahhhhhh. i had a bob slash some sort of pixie cut all growing up and let me tell you, it never looked good. so some big decisions will need to be made in the coming months. i know this is incredibly in advance but oh well, you and me and the little locks can consider themselves warned.


is it time? no i don't think it's time. not yet.

you know how older people always say "my mother always said.." or "my dad always told me.." well i have a few things my parents used to say to me that i know i will say to my children-

"don't get wise bubble eyes, understand rubberband, cause i'm the boss apple sauce."
"i give you the moon and you want the stars"
"what did you learn today"
"good night, sleep tight, wake up bright, choose the right with all your might, and don't let the bed bugs bite"
"you don't deserve anything; everything you receive you've either earned or is a gift"

and most importantly,
"i love you"


procrastination's a strong he-man with a club

i typically skip my morning class on mondays and wednesdays.  i do go on occasion. today was not one of those days.  because i have some rather important homework for my 1 o'clock class that i didn't quite finish over my nice long weekend. so i should be doing that right now. alas, i am here, in my happy place.
ok so i went and saw ingrid michaelson on saturday. holy amazing. i love her. she is a fabulous performer. sounds AMAZING live, very interactive with the audience, and just an all around gem. it was inspirational. and seeing as i have finished quite a few songs of my own, i'm thinking its about time i started performing a few of them. open mic night, here i come.
as great as the show was, it was a little difficult. her first album, girls and boys, i associate with a time in my life when i listened to this album day in and day out. it was two years ago. i was a sophomore in college, in love with a man i was dating long distance, but even though we were apart, that love grew everyday. hearing these songs again, and live, so full of emotion, made me miss him, made me hurt again.
bleh. sorry. i feel like this has been coming up alot lately.  but i've been feeling it alot lately.  it is probably not wise to read the journal entries from the months of the demise of that relationship. but they are just so beautifully depressing.  i'm so glad that i captured those raw, true feelings in writing. whatever i was supposed to learn from that experience (since i'm still learning and growing) i'll always have that reference and i won't ever forget. and hopefully, that reminder will make me better, stronger, (harder, faster... hah. j.kid. that was daft punk reference just to clear up any confusion for those of you thinking i wanted to build muscle and run quicker... man i loved that song freshman year. looooved it.)
i'ma thinking i should listen to it right now. maybe it will help me gain some inspiration for the position statements i should be writing. annnd break!

p.s. i am not liking any of my font options these days. sooo i may be playing around with code coming up here in the future. you have been warned


she wasn't angry, maybe possessed. either way sorry about the pumpkin guts

so i was cleaning my room the other day and the tv was on. a commercial for an antidepression drug came on. you know the one, it has that sad soft music playing in the background, that concerned woman's voice asking you if you're feeling sad, or alone. her voice is so full of empathy you just want to sob into her shoulder. and i'm thinking, anyone who wasn't already depressed is now officially melancholy. good work antidepressant drug commercial. good work.

annnd moving on.. i got my very first credit card in the mail today. welcome to adulthood rebecca. so now i'm nervous that just by having it in my wallet i'm all of the sudden going to have debt and interest rates gouging me for all of my hard earned money. (ok maybe not that hard earned seeing as i am writing this while sitting at work) but let's be honest, my parents have taught me well. i promise to not spend any money i don't have. you are all my witnesses. 

which reminds me of the time when i was 9(?) years old and i wrote on the back of an envelope, "i promise to not be a brat when i'm a teenager" and i gave it to my mom. yeeeaaahhh, that worked out well. j.kid j.kid. my mom and i are best friends. hi mom!

um, have you ever felt like you were stuck in a rut? yeah, that's what i thought. the thing is i'm happy, enjoying life, learning, experiencing, living, but something feels stuck. and i know what it is. and i know what i should do to get out of it. but it's a rut. and it's not easy to get out of. gah. i just need to DO IT. and stop planning on it, but just do it. so wish me luck!

in conclusion, go cougars, go ingrid, go to church, go family, go on a walk, go go go.


we should have warned you, avoid those boys and strategically sit in front of these ones in sunday school

if i had more money, wait, scratch that, if i spent my money more frivolously, there are ALOT of shows i would really really really really want to go to. but instead, i'm just spending all day long listening to ingrid's newest album. i recommend you take a listen.
if i spent my money more frivolously, wait, scratch that again, if i spent my money on a whim or even a delayed whim, i would purchase a new perfume.  i found one. that i love. and i want this smell to represent me. so every time someone smells it they go "mm. rebecca." like pavlov's dog. they'll be trained to think of me. well now that i've successfully sounded pretentious and self-centered... moving on! oh wait, there was a point to all that. and that is i can't justify buying a new perfume until i run out of my current perfume. which i've had for a really long time. cause i'm not much of a perfume wearer. but lately i've been spraying the bottle quite a bit... excessively even, just so that it will run out sooner, so i can buy my new identity. i know i know, this is a brilliant plan.

holy tangent. this is not even what i was planning on discussing with you today. sooo i guess my other thoughts can be saved for another day, another time, another era. ramble. i'm rambling.



really i'm fine

so i am currently sitting in a hospital bed. smartest thing i've ever done, hands down, is bring my laptop with me to the er.  i haven't been feeling great and alot of my symptoms pointed to something potentially more serious than the common flu. i think my dr. dad found peace of mind in sending me off to the local hospital since he can only do so much two states away. anywho, i'll keep you all posted. i'm sure its nothing.

edit: oh i love it when i'm right. nothing to see here folks. nothing exciting and surgical. guess i won't become the next madeline anytime soon. boy i loved that doll. maybe i'll be her for halloween. so yeah, just a virus. hopefully it will be gone soon. loooves!


you're awful, i'm awful, we're all just full of awe

i'd like to tell you all a little bit about myself. ahem. ok. i love to bake. anything. seriously. give me a recipe and i'll bake it. (no really, do it. i'm always looking for yummy new recipes).  i don't like flared nostrils. this is stemmed from watching fiddler on the roof (with heidi lynn) waaay back in the day. the third daughter who wasn't very cute would always flare her nostrils when she was singing. it bothered me.  i fill my car up with gas as soon as it hits the 1/4 of a tank left mark. i don't like letting it drop below that line. i feel like my car will putt to a stop at any moment. i don't like it when people get angry over things they shouldn't. like road rage. or bad calls in intramural games.

this one requires its own paragraph:
i love music. and it is a dream of mine to be able to sing my own songs for a crowd, and people can hear my music and relate and understand and feel something... anything... (other than 'holy yuck, that was terrible'.... but if they do. so be it. i didn't write it for them, i wrote it for me). writing and singing songs is my escape.  it is the place i can say the things i really want to say. its honest. and music moves me. and words. good words. so even though i may not a have a crowd anytime soon, i'll just keep writing, and keep singing, and keep feeling. and keep listening to things that inspire me. which is not only other artists, but people's situations, and things they say. (yeah people. i've used you. don't sweat it)
mmmk. and that, my friends, is what we in the business like to call a nutshell


sorry i parked so close, but my car just wanted to cop a feel

the other day i had the most intense craving for scallion pancakes from ollie's. a family favorite restaurant in ny we frequented often when we were living in connecticut. the truly sad thing about this is that for years my picky eating little kid self would scamper across the street with my dad to the stand on the other side and get a hot dog that had been sitting in warm water all day and pass on the delicious chinese food since it was far too advanced for my taste buds. oh young self you had so much to learn.

also i want to go to a show. oh the memories of standing in this forever long line. i would like to live in this city. for a little while anyway.
lately another craving of mine is to stay in a fancy hotel, so maybe a more feasible trip to vegas is in order.
the scallion pancakes will just have to wait.

happy weekend lovers


someone call the wambulance off

i won't be needing them
cause i'm feeling peachy keen
and not stressed
and who really needs boys anyway.
i got girls. good ones.
and school, which i love
and i love my outfit today.
and that makes me happy
and so does dance therapy. 
thank goodness for tuesdays
is this hurting anyone's eyes?
did you even read it all in the right order?
whatever. this is only because i didn't want that
depressing post to be number one
and now its not.
mission accomplished

let the cat out of the suffocating bag

yeah its old but... 
Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around
So I learnt from you

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone

I can watch a sunset on my own
(kate nash)

in his defense, it's not that he didn't want to be with me, it's that he couldn't be with me living the life he saw himself leading, knowing the life i was committed to. either way, i need to remind myself i CAN be alone. especially right now. i need that reminder alot.  cause i don't want to be alone. one of the clients we are working with in one of my advertising classes is a wedding photographer. so we spend alot of time talking to and about girls who are about to get married, their plans, married girls in the class share their experiences, the photographer talks about weddings. weddings weddings weddings marriage love love marriage. my head may just explode.
i don't find myself yearning for what was but what is to come. but i'm impatient, and i want it now. and i can't have it now. however, i am excited about planning again. i'm just missing one piece of the puzzle. and i feel as though i'll have to be even more patient to find a guy good enough to accept me in spite of this little situation of mine.

also, my dad hasn't been feeling well at all lately. it could be any number of things- his body rejecting his new heart, the medicines he's on, the amyloidosis... anyway, its scary, i don't like being away from my family at times like these. i worry for my dad. i worry for my mom. i worry for my sister. 

all in all, i haven't cried in awhile. i feel it coming. it'll be good for me though when it does happen. i need some good catharsis. 

note: this was written last night
note2: last night i thought it smelled like christmas outside, really it just smelled like smoke. claire said it smelled like drugs
note3: i LOVE not wearing make up, cause then i can rub my eyes all i want
note4: mom, i'm fine. no need to worry


since we all know this is why you're here

it's that time of month again. my random thoughts. i am currently sitting in my comms 406 class- media and the first amendment. so naturally i will spend this class on my puter. 

first of all, this weekend was delightful.  general conference feels like a vacation. we [claire, lindsay and i] stayed comfy, ate yummy food, and enjoyed naps and good movies. {in other news, conference was wonderful. elder holland's talk. wow}

secondly, can i just say that i love starting my classes at byu with a prayer. its a wonderful reminder that contrary to popular belief, there are many very different people here at byu with many different backgrounds, yet what we do share is our religion, our core beliefs and guiding values.

numero tres, goodbye 4 days of fall... hello 3 years of winter. sheesh it's cold out. and this is sad, because the weather back home {in lincoln, ca} in the fall is a fabulous time of year with cool sunny weather, cute light jackets, and trips to apple hill. however, provo didn't seem to get this lovely autumn memo from good ole ca, and here we have snow in the mountains, pounding rain, and chilling wind. though knowing utah's sporadic weather, we may still get to enjoy some hours of fall here and there.

four: lindsay is a good roommate and set claire and i up with a last.fm account. and now my music will be scrobbled or bobbled, or fobbled and organized. according to them, the top artist i listen to on my computer is regina, followed by dave barnes. however, this will probably change when i hook my ipod up and it takes that into account.  anyway, be my friend. i only have 2. and then we can be fun loving music buddies.

7-2, i think we are going to be good friends:

ix say, my toosh hurts. i've been sitting on hard things too long today.

las7tly, this was boring. you must be bored. if the boredom didn't prevent you from continuing to read this and you made it all the way down here i'm sorry for the boring nature of this boreful post. what is that you say? you're not bored? well, you are kind, and a terrible liar, because i'm bored. so yeah. as long as we're all in agreement. i'll do better next time. i promise.


late night wanderings down memory lane

when i was four:
  • my nightgown was a daddy-sized shirt with a bladder on it
  • my upside-down trike was an ice cream machine
  • every monday night we had family home believaning
  • my best friend's number was 542-0772
  • i wanted a dog (they say they're man's best friend) but i got a sister (which truly is a girl's best friend)
  • i had a dream i got a doll and put it in the closet for safekeeping, but when i woke up and went to get her, she was gone
  • i went to the top of the arch
  • i accomplished my most heroic act of being lifted through an open window to unlock the front door so my mom could get a spare key to unlock her car to save my sister who was trapped inside (this may have been a dream though... but i remember it very vividly) 
  • i was a blond with a crooked smile
what do you remember?